A Diaper Journal

2008-11-25T19:54:00.001-08:00

Yes, its been a little while. Over a year now, I think.

I'd like to talk about Molicares.

I've recently begun ordering diapers online. It started as a lark, becuase I wanted to try out a few different brands, namely giving Abenas a go again using a Large rather than Medium size, but I figured I'd try out Molicares, which I've heard much about over the years. Went to B4NS, and put in my order. One bag of each. Holy *crap* was shipping fast. Got the Abenas within 2 days, and the Molicares within a week.

I'm still not satisfied with Abenas. A lot of hype, and they're certainly *comfy* diapers...but the tapes are crap and I don't like how they fit. Their Larges are, if anything, too large for me. I'm slowly working through the bag that I bought, but they're only meh. The tapes are quite weak, not just in adhesivness but in actual attachment to the wings of the diaper...meaning that the tapes will literally rip out of their anchoring, leaving no hope of reconnection. Its very frustrating.

Molicares, on the other hand, are like the Cadillacs of adult diapers. They are everything you could ever hope for in one. Yes, they're not white...they're purple...but its this weird soothing pastel purple that just seems to work, somehow. Not sure why. But they're thick, super-absorbent, and very comfy. Their tapes are good quality and hold up very well through the night. And they're cheaper than the Abenas, which is a plus.

So I ordered a case of them, figuring that I'd just switch over to Molicares from now on, moving away from my much beloved Attends (which I still have a fair number of...I've had to change halfway through the night a few times due to catastrophic Abena tape failures). I ordered the case from B4NS on Saturday. It arrived today. Holy DINA! Two days it took to get here. That's *FAST*. I buy stuff on Amazon and it takes 2-4 weeks. I buy adult diapers and it takes two DAYS? Damn, man. Just...damn.

So yes. I am alive, healthy, and very happy in my new diapers. I may have to start posting here more often. I need to find some way to interact with the larger AB/DL community, after all.

2007-05-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

About an hour and a half ago my phone's alarm went off. It was telling me that I had worn my pullup for 4 hours, and it was time to change into a diaper. At 3pm it told me that I needed to change my pullup, and it did the same again at 7pm. At 10am in the morning it will wake me up and remind me that I need to put on my pullup immediatly after I get out of the shower. And so on.

I set 4 alarm functions on my cell phone today, with little notes. The first is labeled "Wakeup", and has a "D-P" note that reminds me that it is time to change from a diaper into a pullup, so I can go to work. Then at 3pm it will tell me "Change 1 P-P", reminding me that my first change after getting up is to change into a fresh pullup. Then again at 7pm, "Change 2 P-P", since I'll still be at work. At 11 it will read "Change P-D", since it will now be time for me to change into a diaper, after wearing pullups all day.

I love this. It makes me feel...I dunno. To an extent, it makes me feel like I'm not trustworthy enough to remember on my own to change myself. And that I need to be directed of what I am changing from and into. What I SHOULD be wearing right now, and what I should be wearing when I'm done changing, and that I NEED to be reminded of this, otherwise I'll forget and put the wrong thing on.

It isn't really about being aroused by it. But intstead, like wearing the pullups all day and diapers at night; like setting up my bedside table with all my diapers and gear displayed; like hanging my teething ring above my bed...it just feels RIGHT. Like that's how things should be in my life.

I'm a little scared that I feel this way, that these things just fit perfectly and make me feel...I dunno. Normal. And very in control of my life.

...considering all the other stuff people do to feel normal and in control (drink, take drugs, cut themselves, etc.), I think this is probably the least harmful thing I can think of.

2007-05-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

OK. So I'm now back in pullups, so I'm now wearing something absorbent and disposable 24/7. Its a wonderful feeling, and thanks largely to a conversation I had with a friend last night where I basically expressed how much more secure and comfortable with myself I feel when I'm wearing a diaper (any kind of diaper, really), and that I really wnated to assert that my life is my own now, 100%. So I'm going to do what I want with it. Which includes moving more towards diapers.

So I bought a couple bags of Tena, I figure I'll go through about a bag a week. And I've set up my bedside table completly now. Its got all my stuff on it (except my bibs and sippy cup, which are in the kitchen on one of the open shelves for easy access). Also hung a hook by my bed with my teething ring on it.

Here's a couple pictures of my bedside table now, from a few angles.

Note teddy bear on the bed (that's Cid), and my teething ring/keys hanging above the bed (that hook when other people ask is ostensibly for hanging my glasses on at night so I know where they are). Also note that my wipes, chuck pads, and baby powder (and soon lotion and oil) are on the top, in prominent view, with easy access for changing.

The bottom actually has doors on it, but I opened them for the picutres. Inside are the excess diapers and pullups that wouldn't fit into the open shelf, along with two washable underpads, and my big, thick cloth pullup.

I am liking my apprtment a lot now. Lots of fun.

That's all for now.

2007-05-24T17:15:00.001-07:00

Its been a while. A long long while. A lot has changed.

I've got my own appartment now. That's the biggest change. The diaper experiment that I had going ended in November or so, and since then I've just been wearing at night, and occasionally during the day.

Though that's changed now that I'm in my own place. I've never felt quite so free as I do now. I work a LOT, really long hours, so mostly when I come home the first thing I do is change into a diaper and then just putz around the place. I bought some chuck pads (the disposable absorbent blue pads) that I've been sitting on a lot.

I should post a picture of my bedside table. It has two levels, one open and one with doors on it. Both are PACKED with diapers, and the top one also has my chuck pads, my bibs, my baby powder (and soon lotion and oil), my teething ring, a my sippy cup. Bottom half just has diapers in it, as well as a few of the washable absorbent pads, and my cloth pullup.

I've been thinking of restarting the experiment, going back into pullups and diapers full time. Pullups during the day, or at least when I'm at work, diapers whenever I'm at home. Its a thought. I've had a lot of fun just sitting around, eating, watching TV, etc. with my diapers on...just the freedom to wear them whenever, and wherever, I want is great.

I'm still wearing the Attends, but I've been trying out the Abenas. They're SUPER thick...almost twice as thick as one of my regular Attends. The tapes aren't great, I can't wear them all night with how much I move in my sleep, but they're VERY comfy for just sitting around in. And SUPER SUPER absorbent, which is great.

I've been thinking a lot about other things to buy. I want to get some forearm crutches...yeah, an appartment isn't much space to use them in, but they would be nice. I'd love to get a wheelchair, but I wouldn't have the room to store it, and they're pretty expensive. Want to get some large handled cutlery, maybe some of those plastic bowls you give to little kids, the ones that have suction cups on the bottom. I would very much like to find some way to put up a railing on the one side of my bed not facing the wall, maybe something that slides under the matress and could be slid back under the bed for when company comes. Unsure if that's even possible to buy. I've also been giving a lot of thought to putting a screw above the bed and hanging one of those baby crib toys on it occasionally.

Basically, there's a lot of ideas I'm playing around with. At the moment, just being able to wear diapers when and where I want is more than enough.

That is all for now. Sorry for the long silence.

2006-12-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I came down with a stomach bug.

Know what the worst part of really bad diareah is? Its the time you really SHOULD be wearing a diaper, but without a place to dispose of it discreetly, you CAN'T wear one. Which is frustrating. I'm cold, and shivery, and my tummy hurts, so I really want to just crawl into bed with a diaper and my teddy. But I'm going to just have to keep running to the bathroom every 45 minutes or so.

Bah. Really annoying me. And I just barely avoided having an accident a few hours ago (I'm no longer wearing pullups, due mainly to financial reasons), which caused me to leak a little bit and means that I don't have any clean pants left to wear, so I have to do laundry, whcih I don't want to because I feel really awful right now.

...this is not a good day.

2006-08-27T00:36:00.000-07:00

I've been restless lately. Partly becuase I've been without internet for a week.

But its given me time to think about my plans for this year.

I got a new job that's going to start in about a week or so, and hopefully there the owner will let me wear my black jeans instead of the standard uniform pants. I don't see too much of a problem, the owner's a nice guy, I think I saw the chef wearing black slacks. They COULD be uniform pants, but I don't think so. I'll ask.

If that works out, it means I can wear pullups ALL the time. Though what I'm thinking is that instead of having "pull-up days" and "diaper days", I'm going to moderate my use depending on my class schedule. So before longer (2-4 hour) classes, I'll change into a diaper.

Looking forward to it, to be honest. I'm also thinking I'm going to dedicate a drawer to age-play/DL related stuff. Got my two bibs, and three changing pads, as well as my "file" of devotee-related newspaper clippings, most of which mention diapers at one point or another. I'm thinking of getting a few other things this year. A swim diaper, for one. I've got a decent paycheck, so that'll be fine. Maybe get some special cutlery with big padded grips for easier handling. Maybe a sippy cup and a teething ring? I dunno. Teething rings are something I've always liked. NOt big on bottles or pacifiers, but I like being able to chew on something.

I'm really torn about whether or not to wear my diaper too the bathroom in the morning, and wear a pullup back. It'd be noisy and hard to hide. But...I dunno. I like the idea. Of not quite trusting myself to be dry between the bathroom and my room. Almost wish I had my own place, lol.

God am I ever looking forward to going back to university and my new job!

2006-08-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

So I ran out of diapers on monday, and the medical supply store was all out of the medium Attends that I normally wear.

So I grabbed a bag of Tranquility instead, because it was cheap.

BIG mistake. In two nights I had to use four diapers, the tapes were THAT bad.

So I returned the bag to the store, and they let me grab a bag of Tena in return. Now, I was thinking these were the Tena diapers I used a couple years ago when the store I was going to ran out of Attneds and gave me a couple free sample diapers to make up for it till their next shipment came in. They were cloth backed, with a big tape area on the front.

I oepned the bag...and was pleasently surprised. These ones are plastic backed, with a big tape area. Its so nice, overall. Pleasent feeling, pretty comfy, and the tapes seem to be pretty good.

My big problem with most adult diaper brands is how strong the tapes are. I roll around a LOT when I sleep. I mean, I sleep fine, but I toss and turn around WHILE I'm sleeping, and this puts a lot of stress on the tapes which means that diapers withoust strong tapes tend to come apart while I'm asleep. Which is never good. And I can't sleep in a diaper that has half its tapes coming off. Just doesn't work.

So...yeah. Things seem to be looking up.

And the internet's working again. Yay!

2006-07-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

Unsubscription.

I just took myself off the Babykins snail-mail catalogue list. I haven't bought cloth diapers in YEARS. I still have my big, thick cloth pullup, but thats about it...and probably all I'll ever buy (aside from a swim diaper...I really want to get one of those). I'm just a disposables kinda boy.

Funny story: My first words were spoken when I was 2. I was in the hospital with really, really severe pneumonia. They had me on a stretcher and were wheeling me into...I dunno. Pedatrics or something. And they'd put a cloth diaper on me that was REALLY uncomfortable, and I wanted the disposable Pampers that I normally wore.

My first words ever were: "Mommy, I want my own diapers."

I get the impression that that phrase probably set the course of things for me, lol.

2006-07-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

Went in to Toronto today to see "My S

uper Ex-Girlfriend". Was diapered the entire day, which was a lot of fun. Though I'm slightly worried that I drank a lot of water, and have only had one diaper change so far. Wonder if I should see a doctor about the possible return of my bladder problems. Incontinence I think I'd be happy for at the moment, but if I'm having trouble actually peeing (to the point where I'm basically just having the sudden urge to use the bathroom when my bladder overflows), then I think I may want to see her before something else goes wrong.

Its been going on for a little over a week now, so I'm starting to get slightly concerned (also I found myself dribbling a bit the other day when I changed my diaper...which I do occasionally, but not to that extent).

So that combined with my injured shoulder (hurt it carrying boxes this morning) puts me not in the greatest physical shape. Actually, if the shoulder doesn't start healing by tomorrow I might call in sick to work...I've got limited movement of the arm, and a lot of that isn painful movement.

Still, my day was otherwise pretty good. I've been feeling really...well, to be honest, a little fuzzy and immature lately. I'm not sure why. Its nothing major, just these twinges every once and a while. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I think it has something to do with the move, that the more evident it becomes the more I stop feeling like I have to hide myself from my parents and everyone else in Oakville constantly. I don't really intend on returning here once I've moved out. Its liberating, in a weird sort of way.

I need to find some balance, though, and that's really worrying me at the moment. That I'm not balancing well between my matuer and immature sides.

Also, thinking of signing up over at ageplay.com. Linked to it off Maya's Blogger blog, and it looks like it might be worth looking into. There's a $5 fee that slightly tickles me the wrong way...I don't like giving out money on the iinternet for things I could do elsewhere for free (I'm a cheapskate that way...also, I'm on a student's budget and $5 can mean a lot sometimes). But I'm giving it some serious thought. I'm on a single AB/DL forum, a story board, but that's really ceased to interest me of late, and I'm not getting any real pleasure out of it anymore. The group there is too big and gets off topic REALLY easy. Not sure if ageplay.com is any differnet...but you never know, I suppose.

2006-07-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

I just ran it through Word.

That blog was nearly 3500 words long. I've written shorter university essays, lol.

Still, I've always said "I want to write a thousand words a day, minimum".

2006-07-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately after Sammy's recent post on her blog about how she met her daddy. And I've been thinking about where I've come from, and where I'm going.

I apologize in advance. What is below is VERY long. I'm just kind of using this blog as a place to think out loud about myself.

Seeing blogs like Sammy's and Maya Papaya's have really made me think about what my AB/DL side is like. I don't know Maya very well, but Sammy has been VERY active in describing the sort of dichotomy between her big self and her...well, little self, I suppose. But she clearly identifies her AB/DL side as being 2 years old, and has an interesting way of looking at that side and how she came to be.

So I've been thinking...what age am I? What qualities do I have? Where did I come from?

Well, for starters, my childhood was decent enough. It wasn't great, but I've seen worse. My parents split when I was about 3 or 4. Not a noisy divorce, but they very clearly did NOT like each other. I grew up in an otherwise very loving home though, though I remember as a kid I used to be afraid of a LOT of things (the basement, the closet, under the bed, the woods, the dark, etc.). I was toilet trained at around 3 or so, not strange for the day, though apparently I seemed to have wanted to stay in diapers longer, but my mother just set up a system apparently largely based around how much I liked watching He-Man and She-Ra that resulted in me HAVING to know how to use the bathroom to watch either.

I remember that when I was about 5 or so I went to a day care center that had children of several different ages, ranging from about 3 to 6. It had its own bathroom set off to the side that had regular toilets, a potty, and a diaper changing table. I remember always being kind of interested in the diapers and the potty, despite being more than old enough to use a the regular toilet without help. I think my association with diapers and disabilities might have started there, since I recall that there was a boy there who was fairly severly mentally handicapped (wore a hockey helmet all the time, got pulled around in a wagon at recess...I think he was in another room at the daycare, though), but I'm pretty sure he wore diapers as well. But I'm not really sure. But I also remember there was something really interesting about him, how he acted and how he was treated.

When I was about 5 or 6 my mother remarried a high school sweetheart who was noted for once trying to challenge my father to a fistfight after work because he felt that dad had stolen his girlfriend (my mother). My late stepfather...wasn't the brightest guy on the block. And he certainly made it clear that I didn't meet up to any of his expectations for a son. I think a part of my infantalism/wannabe/pretender/devotee stuff comes from that, that in a house where emotional and verbal abuse was common (rarely physical, though, and then only when I actually HAD done something wrong, like the time I mouted off at dinner about not liking the food, or when I broke a book end when I climbed up a window to close it). I think what I really wanted was to retreat to something simpler, the younger days when it was just mom and me in a townhouse together, and I felt loved and carefree.

My school life didn't help matters, I suppose. "Learning disabled" was putting it mildly. I was illiterate until the age of 7, and it wasn't until grade 8 or 9 when I actually learned to spell properly (not that my spelling was REALLY bad, but it was pretty bad). I never learned to handwrite, and was actually in a learning disabilities class for the entirety of elementary school, despite my mother arguing that it wasn't nessecary. So, needless to say, I was picked on at school. A lot. My class was technically classified as "special ed", so we went to all sorts of regional special ed-only events. Like where all the special ed classes in the Vancouver and Tri-City area rented Playland (the local amusement park) for the day, or went on a cruise. By that time I was really starting to feel an attraction to being in a wheelchair, mainly becuase most of the kids my age I saw on these field trips weren't learning disabled, but rather so physically or mentally handicapped that they were in independent special education classrooms...and thus often required a great deal of supervision and care. I remember on the cruise that I accidentally stepped into the room that had been designated for diaper changes...I really can't remember what I saw, but I DO recall that I saw someone my age being changed. Its funny how you forget things like that till you really think about them.

When I was about 7 or 8, my daycare (I was at a different one by that time) went to the pool, and I frequently saw mentally and physically handicapped people in the washrooms with caregivers (I think we were there on the same day as the assisted living program or something like that). My first major meeting with someone older than me and disabled in diapers was when we were getting changed for the pool. A group was just coming out, and the attendant to a teenage boy was taking off his swimming trunks while he sat down, then removed an adult diaper and taped it on him. When I asked why he wore diapers, the attendant said that he couldn't control his bladder.

Something about that meeting really galvanized me. Now I REALLY wanted to wear diapers. Not just a little, like before, but it was almost a need. And it was strongly associated with being disabled, and soon got linked into my odd desire to be in a wheelchair. I remember praying (yeah, I was raised Christian as a child, and was so afraid of anything bad happening to anyone I knew that I'd pray every single night that...well...nothing bad would happen) one night that I would wake up, and I wouldn't be able to walk, and I'd need diapers. This wasn't an overly coherent prayer, mind you, nor was I an overly coherent child at the tender age of 7 or 8.

I was pretty emotional as a kid. I wore my emotions on my sleeve (I was tested as a child as having some autistic tendencies, one of which was very low emotion filters...I seem to have mellowed out as I've grown older, but as a kid it was pretty bad). When I was sad, I'd cry. When I was mad, I'd hit something (or someone...and not well, I'd just grab them or slug them). My father moved to Toronto when I was 6 or 7 to live with his new wife, and whenever I came back from a visit with him, either in Vancouver or Toronto, I'd cry my eyes out for days on end whenever I thought about him. I did the same thing the first few times I visited my mom when I moved out to Toronto and would go back to visit her. I still feel really sad when I leave BC each time, but I don't cry much anymore.

I think my fantasy life grew a lot stronger in grade 6 when I changed schools to one closerer to our house in BC, and was no longer going to school with my little clique of friends. I honestly had no clue how to MAKE friends at that point. I was terrified about not being able to dress like everyone else, terrified that I wouldn't fit in becuase I didn't know anything about sports...etc. Well, I didn't fit in at all, and spent a great deal of time hunkering down in doorways (we weren't allowed inside at lunch or recess), reading and trying to avoid people. I really drew myself in. That was also the year that my late stepfather started down his path to being...well...late. He had a rare blood condition that I don't quite understand that resulted in numerous bloodclots forming in his brain, causing what amounted to a large number of small strokes, increasing in magnitude. He was put into rehab (which he never made his way out of before he wound up in ICU, hooked up to life support, which was eventually removed [good riddance to him]), so my mom was out of the house a LOT, and I was forced to fend for myself a lot. Not cooking for myself, but I spent a lot of time home alone.

I remember in grade 5 reading two books on people with disabilities. One was a children's book called "Who Takes Care of Disabled People?". There was a picture of a girl wearing a bib, covered in food, at the dinner table, in a wheelchair. Somehow THAT image really stuck with me. The other I don't know the name of, but it was 5 stories of people with disabilities making lives for themselves (I recall vaugley one about a private eye who had lost both hands as a child). One that I recall the best is a young woman who wanted to run in some major marathon, but was struck by a car and left with a TBI. One passage stuck with me, that she had to wear diapers. From there the association was set: you could wear diapers, and be in a wheelchair, but NOT have to be mentally handicapped...but at the same time, I WANTED to be that girl at the dinner table with the bib, eating with her hands. It was the only way I could conceive of to wear diapers, be like a little kid, AND be in a wheelchair.

When I was 12 I moved to Ontario to live with my father. I got my first computer, and one of my first Yahoo searches was for "diapers". That's how I discovered the AB/DL community, but it wouldn't be at least another few years until I'd steal a few Promise diapers from my doctor's office (she just kept them in the cupboard in the bathroom!) that I would finally get a chance to wear REAL diapers that fit me. I can remember putting them on and just lying there in bed, realizing the enormity of what I was doing now...and how I was fulfilling what was, essentially, a life long dream.

Over the years my father, stepmother, and younger brothers (first one, then two of them) spent weekends away from home up at the cottage, or with relatives, and I'd often go and buy a bag of Depends and just wear them all weekend. It was GREAT.

I identified very strongly as a "teen baby" back then, but my urge to be disabled kept creeping into things, especially my stories. The FIRST diaper story I ever wrote was about a 16 year old girl who was left an incontinent spastic quadraplegic after a car accident, and was cared for by her older girlfriend.

I've found out recently that my periods of intense fear and nervousness, which I've always had, are apparently genetic. My mother gets them as well, as did her mother and one of her sisters. They're not-quite-panic-attacks, and I generally get really bad ones about once a year, where something will set me off and I'll just have to go sit somewhere quiet, curl up, and cry, but I DO have some very strong fears that really set me off on nervous fits (bees, any money troubles, trouble at my job, being yelled at, being touched on the back [which I have never been able to figure out the root issue of]). I've found, though, that wearing a diaper during these helps somehow. Makes me feel a bit more secure, not nessecarily more confident...but safer, kind of. I have some other quirks related to that, the autistic tendencies of my childhood that never went away, such as my tendency to rock back and forth without really thinking about it, especially if I'm sitting down and distressed, or just really involved with something. Or how sometimes I can just sit still and stare at nothing in particular for a long time...not being interested, but just kind of being blank.

It was that sort of panic-stress reaction, combined with my infamous (within the family) problems with my bladder and bowels (as a child I had a weak bladder, and often had to use the washroom every hour or two, and would cycle between constipation and having to rush to the toilet on a weekly basis), and illness, I began suffering from overflow incontinence in grade 11. It started with wetting the bed and more frequent bathroom trips, but it quickly ended up with several accidents, and my eventual turning to diapers for once for the actual security they were designed for, rather than the security I felt from them. The urologist confirmed that part of it seemed to be a result of my bladder being...I'm not 100% sure how he put it, but it was stretched and wasn't emptying properly, and just wasn't alerting me to the need to empty before it emptied itself. The problem eventually, and slowly, cleared up after several months, though it persisted as bedwetting and some accidents for 5 or 6 months afterwards.

After a few months out of diapers, I came to my parents and told them that I'd like to go back to wearing them. I missed them, and I liked how they felt. My parents reluctantly agreed, and tried to push me for a few years to give them up, but I was adamant and we eventually had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in place that worked well for all of us. So long as I made sure that my sodden diapers (I ALWAYS wore at night, but occasionally during the day, though not often) were gone before they relaly started smelling, my parents ignored me wearing them. I wasn't able to tell them, though, about how much I wanted to be in a wheelchair, or wear a bib at meals, or anything really about my infantalism/pretender/wannabe/devotee-related fantasies and desires.

Just before I went into grade 12 I spent several weeks with a girlfriend I'd known online for a long while. I wore diapers on the entire 18 hour bus ride down, and all the time for several days after that. She was my mommy, and I had the most incredible time with her. I cried when it was time to go, and I think we almost ended up having a much more physical relationship than I was emotionally ready for. But we both decided to break it off, as this long distance thing just didn't work, or at least wasn't working. I think I was also a bit too flaky for her...which I really think I was, to be honest. She DID leave me with four things I still have today, though: two adult sized bibs that she made, a blanket she sewed for me, and a plush dog she bought me as a birthday present.

In grade 13 (OAC), I went to a Catholic school that had one of the special ed classes who's students were the type I'd have associated with on field trips back in elementary school. I clearly recall that two of the students were in reclined wheelchairs, padded in, with cloths or bibs all the time, and that I used their washroom once (the special ed room was where tests were written on computer), and it had a diaper changing table in it.

Over the nearly 4 years since then, I've moved away from my infantalist side and become more of a diaper wearing devotee/wannabe. But I'm slowly curving back, ever so slightly. I've always maintained that desire to be cared for, though not quite as much in a baby way.

A few years back in a text based online RPG (one that was for an actual pen and paper game), I played a 19 year old university student with spina bifida, who had to wear diapers, and who eventually found herself a mommy (another character) who treated her much like a toddler. So there was Caitlin, 19 years old, wearing diapers, in a wheelchair, and being cared for whenever she was home by a loving woman who fed, bathed, changed, dressed, and cared for her. I think THAT character, and the experience of playing her and interacting with others as her, really affected how I've come to understand myself.

So who am I inside? Really, and bluntly?

The inner, little "me", the one who I almost never get to express, is the same age as me. He's 22. But mentally he's between 18 and 24 months. He needs to wear diapers, and though he can feed himself, its only with his hands. He needs someone else to spoon feed him, and he's a very messy eater. He can walk a little if someone helps him along, but spends most of his time in a wheelchair. He can't speak, but makes himself known vocally and through showing affection with hugs, kisses, and smiles, or when he's unhappy by crying, shrieking, or moaning. He keeps his hands to himself, in his lap or up by his chest, but likes to play around with things if they're handed to him, and must be guided in doing things like petting a dog or putting on a coat. If encouraged and helped enough, he can and will play with infant and toddler toys if they're put in front of him, but he needs someone to supervise. If he really gets going, though, with someone holding him up he'll toddle around, giggling, and he really likes colourful cartoon shows with lots of noise (it doesn't matter what kind).

I know how weird that sounds. Its infantalism mixed with a disability fetish. Its the desire to be cared for by someone else, but also to be disabled as well.

My chances of ever finding a parental figure (most likely a mommy...but I'm just bi enough that I might accept the right daddy if I were to find him) willing to accept that are pretty low. Its not something I'd ever be able, or want, to do all the time (which is good...I still need intellectual stimulation and a life), but its still a higher level of care than most ABs require during "play time", and its certianly stranger than most wannabe/pretender relationships.

At the moment I'm content with my diapers, and the anticipation of going back into pullups during the day. One day I'll get a wheelchair, and find places to use it outside. Hell, one day I might be lucky enough to find someone willing to accept even that much (I have problems asking girls out...mainly that the ones I REALLY want to I'm too afraid to, or they live far away, and the ones I DO ask say "no").

But even so, I'm moving more towards diapers and the like becoming a major part of my life and personality. I think part of it is my father, stepmother, and brothers moving to Ottawa...so they're not right there beside me. I feel like I'm becoming more independent of them, whcih means that I'm freer to express myself how I want.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant and self discovery. As I said, I use my blog like that sometimes. Thanks for reading, if you did. Any comments are appreciated...I'll even take criticisms on how weird or perverted I am. If you want to chat with me, I'm on Yahoo! MEssanger under "narxnn".

More Kate in an hour or so.

2006-07-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

Break in the story to chat a little about diapers again, lol.

So I found a medical supply store in Oakville that sells Attends, meaning that I don't have to basically give up my entire day before work just to go out and buy diapers. Unfortunatly they're the old kind, so they cost more (about the equivilant of going into Toronto and buying a bag).

They're REALLY comfy, though. COmfier than the ones I normally use, and that's saying something. They don't fit well into my pack, so I'm not sure they're the best for wearing around town and being active (since I have a pocket in my pack that PERFECTLY fits two of the normal Attends that I wear).

One more month of work left, then I get to go back into pullups and diapers full time. Looking forward to that. I think I'll try it for a full month this time, mostly using pullups during the day but with the occasional diaper if I'm going to be out and about for prolonged periods (like going to a movie).

Still shopping around for a pair of forearm crutches. A wheelchair is out of my price range at the moment, but when I DO get one I have a place to store it (in my storage locker)...though I don't have anywhere to USE it. Which is unfortunate.

I'm hoping that after this school year I'll be able to get my own 1 bedroom appartment in Toronto, though there's a chance I'll end up house sitting for a year for a friend of the family who's going to the UK. Either way I'll hopefully be able to use a wheelchair freely around wherever I end up living. I'm not going to go full time like Ahiru, or even be able to pull off the short outings like Cathy (who has a car)...but I'll figure out something.

And now I'm off to work. I'll post more of the Kate-story when I get home.

2006-07-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

KATE
Chapter 4

It takes me about twenty minutes to go from Union Station over to Weelz Kuriers. I may be overweight, and short, but I can make pretty good time in my chair when I put my mind to it. Thankfully I've missed rush-hour, so I don't end up having to maneuver around all the folks getting off work. No...instead I have to maneuver around the dinner crowds, which isn't so bad, I guess. Not my favourite thing, since most of them are pretty damn inconsiderate, but hey...whatcha gonna do?

The courier place is a small, hole in the wall outlet with five or six bikes locked to a rack beside the big open door which, to my pleasure (and, ok, not total surprise), has a ramp leading up to it. I'll admit that I feel, and always have, out of place in a room full of cyclists (envious? not me!), but at least they tend to be more courteous than regular pedestrians. When I arrive, there are a couple off duty couriers chowing down on takeout. Smells like Mexican (I LOVE Mexican...even if its just horrible for me). I head over to the desk and ring the bell a few times until the desk clerk, who I assume is Ron from the phone, answers. "Hey, what can I do for you?"

"My name's Kate Wineburg. I called earlier about a package," I say and hand over the courier slip. Ron-From-The-Phone takes it, looks it over, and heads into the back. While he's there, I ask, "Umm...incidentally, do you know if someone from here delivered an order of flowers to my office today?"

"Where's your office at?" he says over his shoulder, sorting through packages.

"I'm with the Post."

"Gimme a sec to check...yup, here we are. Kate Wineburg, 159 St. George," he says, bringing a small, bubble wrapped envelope over and handing me a clipboard. "Sign here."

I scribble my signature down and take the package onto my lap, "About the flowers?"

"Yeah," he says, presumably looking through a book (I can only barley see over the counter), "Hmm. Nope, I don't have anything down here for flowers to the Post. You know who delivered them?"

"I don't know. A woman, I didn't get a description," I say, wishing I'd interrogated Florence in a bit more detail.

"Well, out of 23 couriers we've got ten women employed here, so I'm afraid I really can't help you."

It's a long shot, but I ask anyway, "Um, she came by about 10:30 this morning."

He flips through the book, "Hmmm...well, Jane was off today, Nicole was running a parcel...Alexandra was on her break. I dunno."

"Is she around now?"

"Nope, you missed her by...oh, thirty, fourty minutes. Something like that."

"Oh...alright then,"I say, trying not to sound dissapointed. The mystery is most definitly afoot.

"You want me to tell her you're looking for her?"

"Nah...nah, it's cool. Thanks again," I say, turning away from him, the package still sitting on my lap.

"Hey, no problem. You have a good night."

"Thanks," I say as I wheel out the door and onto the street. I go along a ways, turn up onto Front (which takes some work, since the incline gets kinda steep), and stop at a Starbucks. Just like Mexican...I really shouldn't drink coffee. But I figure a cup of decaf can't hurt. So I get a decaf mocha and sit at the table, contemplating the package. Eventually, I just break down and open it. There's a rainbow "Pride" keychain with a wheelchair symbol on it, and a card for a predominantly gay-lesbian coffe shop on Wellesly, one of the few that I actually go to once and a while, with the number "16" written on the back and the closing time circled. The plot thickens.

Thanking the fact that Starbucks has wheelchair accesible, private washrooms, I quickly change and cath myself, leave the coffee shop, hit the street...and stop. And consider things. So far today a bicycle courier has brought me flowers and apparently given me a key chain. And now she's trying to get me to a club. But...why? Ok, nevermind the obvious idea that she might actually be attracted to me, as odd as that may be (do stable people really go to this much trouble to ask someone out?). Actually...come to think of it, I'm somewhat weirded out by the fact that she actually figured out where I live. I mean, there's gotta be more than one K. Wineburg in Toronto, and you need to buzz in to get inside my building.

Which is leading me to a really weird chain of logic. Is it possible that there's some sort of conspiracy to set me up on a date? It'd explain things, I guess, but it seems really unlikely.

Maybe this is some kind of proxy thing. I have no idea why. God, I'm not used to this sort of complicated stuff in getting asked out. It just seems so...I dunno. Frivilous. I like a good mystery as much as the next muckraker, but this is just silly. But still...hey, whatever. I've got a mystery. So I might as well go figure out what the answer is, otherwise it's just going to keep annoying me.

So here I am, paused in the middle of the sidewalk. I guess I've made up my mind. So I head towards Union Station. I've got some time to kill till the coffee shop closes, but I might as well stake it out before that. A Johnny-Come-Lately never gets anywhere, afterall (or would that be Jane-Come-Lately?). So I grab a train back to my place and get some better clothes on.

When I go "out on the town", I generally stick to baggy pants or foot-length skirts, as I get a lot more odd stares if my braces are showing. So...shower, teeth, then clothes. I can't find any clean pants, but I DO find a dark, dark red skirt that takes some considerable work to get into, but that I DO come off as looking half-decent in. I pick a wine coloured, short sleeved blouse that, by some miracle, matches the skirt. After some hunting I discover that, no, I really AM wearing the best shoes I currently own. Fool with my hair for ten or fifteen minutes before I realize that I'm stalling, sigh, audibly, spritz on some deoderant, and head out before I lose my nerve.

2006-07-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

KATE
Chapter 3

I have lunch with a couple people from the office at least once a week. We've been trying to go as many different restaraunts in the city as possible. Today, though, we're lazy. Sam and Janey want to go get sushi, but...raw fish and wasabi don't really agree with me all that well. So I talk them out of it, and we go out for some Vietnamese. Nice big steaming bowl of pho (noodle soup), and some spring rolls makes a good lunch, I think at least. I try not to bring up the flowers while we're eating, I really don't want to talk about them till I know where they came from. But I can't help asking: "Sam, you seen anyone around my desk latley? I mean, anyone that doesn't work at the office?"

Sam turns to me and looks a bit concerned, "Why do you ask? Something get stolen?"

"No...not really. Just...curious." I say, shaking my head while I take my meds.

"Was waiting for someone, but they didn't show up."

"Ooooh, Kate," croons Janey, "Got a sweetheart?"

I roll my eyes, "Hardly. Just a...contact."

Lunch goes pretty quickly after that. I steer the topic away from the subject of the flowers, since no one seems to know anything, and we catch a cab back to the office afterwards. After that...I hit the streets. I wheel over to Union Station and take the subway, and then a Wheel-Trans bus, over to meet with some folks I'm interviewing about the social effects of the blackout. Typical newspaper fair, really. Standard story stuff. After that, I head back to the office and do some phone calls to the police and some other folks about a shooting out in Etobicko last night. And on and on it goes. By the end of the day I've gotten just about everything done that I had in my workload today, except for figuring out who sent the flowers. Just before I leave to get the bus home, I go to the bathroom and change myself again (I've had a few bad experiences with leaks in the past when I haven't changed before going home).

Burt drives the bus that I take back home, but I don't really get to talk to him about my mysterious admirer, since there are other people on the bus. Megan, who's ten, but mentally only a few months old, is with her mother, Brenda. They live nearby and take the bus to the hospital. Brenda gently strokes Megan's hair while the girl moans, twitches, drools, and shudders in her wheelchair. Brenda's really nice, and I think all the greater of her because she takes care of such a profoundly disabled child and still keeps a really upbeat attitude. Alice is also on the bus, as is Kyle.

But...when I get home, I find a little note slipped under the door of my appartment, and my answering machine is blinking like crazy. I've had this happen before, mostly from my landlord or neighbours slipping stuff under it, but sometimes notices about parcels, so I have one of those plastic grabbers leaning by the door. With a bit of work I get the note and read it as the answering machine plays back.

*BEEP* "Katherine, it's your mother. You never call. You're probably living it up as a big shot reporter. Call me back."

*BEEP* "Ms.Wineburg, this is Emily from the King Dental Offices, reminding you about your appointment tomorrow."

While the messages are going, I open the note, which turns out to be a package order from Weelz Kuriers (did I mention I hate it when places spell their names stupidly?). Bike messangers. Again. This is getting weird. But my thoughts are cut off when-

*BEEP* "Kate...this is Amanda. Um...I...I really don't think things are going to work out. *cough* So...um, have a nice day."

Now, I'd just about gotten over Amanda by that time. The day'd been busy, and this new little mystery was certainly heating things up. But...well that message hurt. I think I'd have preferred it if she'd said nothing at all. But no, she has to call and mess my whole day up. I sigh, put the message down, and just sit there in the kitchen clenching my fists. I'm not a girl who cries a lot, but...well, I'd thought Amanda might like me. She was cute in a kind of average way, bubbly, and funny. She wasn't weirded out by the wheelchair, at least that's what I thought at the time. But I dunno...maybe she'd figured out I wear diapers and that'd done it for her, or maybe she'd decided that she didn't want to go out with a girl who could only just barely feel anything from about her belly button. Who knows what it was? I guess it just WAS is what's important here.

I, finally, get myself together and look at the microwave clock. 5:35. I look at the note again, and pick up my phone. I don't bother with the earpiece or the speaker, I don't intend to talk for long.

"Hey, Weelz Kuriers. This is Ron," says the young guy on the phone.

"Hello, my name is Kate Wineburg. I just got a courier notice. What time are you open till?" I ask, considering how long it would take to get from my place in the Annex down to the ass end of the Lakeshore.

"9 on week days, 7 on weekends. If you've got your number, I can have it ready."

"Oh, thanks. Yeah, its number 17-dash-053. You...you wouldn't happen to know who brought the package by, would you?"

"Yeah...17. That's Alexandra. You guys friends or something?"

"Nah...I'm just curious. Anyway, thanks," I say, and hang up. I sit in the kitchen, holding the notice, and think. I could take the subway to Union Station, and then wheel over to the couriers. I'd probably be able to make it before they closed, and its not like it gets dark till 9 or so now anyway. It'll fall in the middle of my med schedule, though, and probably when I should be cathing and changing as well. Did I mention that I hate how I have to schedule my life around my strange little body sometimes?

Well...why not? I've got my meds with my purse hanging on the underside of my chair, and I can change and cath at Union if I have to, however HORRIBLY embarrasing that might be. I really wish I'd gotten this notice at work, though, since then I could have come right from there to the couriers, then cabbed it home. Actually, come to think of it...why DIDN'T the courier drop off the notice, if she was the same one that brought the flowers? That's actually a good question. I'm REALLY hoping that the notice isn't for the flowers, because I hate wasting trips. Weird. But hey, I'm a reporter. I should be glad to have a little mystery for once. My journalistic instincts are piquing already.

So I make sure I'm all properly packed and supplied, take the elevator downstairs, wheel over to St.George station, down to the trains, and I'm off to find out what's waiting for me at the bike couriers.

2006-07-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

KATE
Chapter 2

Get into the office. Wait for the elevator. Throw the wrapper from my breakfast burrito away. The paper is pretty empty this early in the day. Take the elevator up to the fifth floor. Exiting the elevator, I see that I was right: there aren't a lot of people around. Dick, one of our photographers, waves to me. "Hey, Kate. The pictures you wanted are on your desk."

"Great, Dick. You coming to the movies tonight?"

"Yeah, hopefully. If the dragon lady lets me out of her sight," he says, rolling his eyes skyward. Sally Kane, aka The Dragon Lady, is one of the greatest bitches that anyone on staff has ever met. They'd fire her, but she gets results. She and I are...not on great terms. She seems to think that being in a wheelchair makes me less of a journalist. Y'know...plus I kind of told her she was a hack with no ethics. Anyway, things are interesting.

"She got you burning the midnight oil?"

"Yeah...I've put out some pretty good stuff, but she keeps at me to spruce it up more. Anyway, I should be able to make it. Sheila, Roger, and Alanna, are coming as well, right?"

"I can only hope."

"Oh...hey," he says as I'm just about pull into my desk, "Did what's-her-name, you know, the brunette, call you back?"

"You're the second person," I say, sighing, "And no...no Amanda didn't call me back."

"Ah well. She wasn't worth it."

"It's all sour grapes, I guess. Anyway, thanks for the photos. See you later?"

"Yeah...I should get back to work as well, good luck with the story," Dick adds over his shoulder as he walks back to the elevators.

"Thanks...I'll need it," I chuckle, sorting through the stuff on my desk. Dick's photos are pretty good, there are a couple that I'll definitly put in with the article to use. I turn on the computer, check my email. Work stuff. Alanna reminding me about the movie tonight. Mom asking if I can get time off to come home for a while, nattering about the dangers for a single girl living on her own (it's not even about me being disabled, it's about Mom being Mom), the usual. Doctor Royce reminding me I'm due for a checkup next week; I'll have to call him back later. Nothing from Amanda (figures).

I shuffle through my notes when my editor, Ross, walks over to my desk. "Kate," he says.

"Ross. Something I can do for you?"

"Yeah. We're grabbing you for a sports story. Jim called in sick. You're doing the Raptors game tonight."

I sigh, "Shit, Ross, I already made plans for tonight with the guys."

"Yeah well. Life goes on. But hey, free Raptors tickets."

"Well, ONE free ticket. Not as great if I'm not going with someone." I say, sighing again and going back to my notes.

"I'm sure you'll find someone. Anyway, back to work," he says, grinning and heading off. I go back to shuffling papers around. Ross really reminded me about Amanda, so I've gone back to feeling pretty down again.

Finish up some calls for the article, set up a few interviews, but my heart's not really in it; not today, at least. When thats done, head off to the washroom. Wheelchair stall. Short's down, untape my diaper, transfer over to toilet. Clean myself up, insert catheter, go through my bowel routine again. Roll up the diaper (just wet this time) with the wipes I cleaned myself with, and tape it into a ball. Remove a fresh one from my bag, unfold it on the chair. Ditch the used catheter tube in a plastic bag (I'm prone to urinary infections, so I take extra care with changing and cathing) along with the soiled diaper. Transfer to chair, pull the clean diaper up around me, firmly tape it back on, shorts back up, seat-belt back on. Wheel out of the stall, throw the bag into the trash, wash my hands thoroughly. Head back to my desk. It's about 10:30am now.

And...there's flowers on my desk. Just a couple roses in a bundle. With a card: "From your secret admirer" and a pride flag. Wow...I have a secret admirer...and it's a she (well, presumably and not someone putting me on). I take a good look around, but I can't see anyone that might have left them. Of course, I was in the washroom for twenty or thirty minutes, so that's a lot of time for someone to leave something on my desk. I wheeled over to the desk of Florence, our secretary.

"Hey, Florence. Did someone ask for where my desk was?" I ask.

"Hmm. I'm not sure. Why do you ask?"

"Someone left flowers on my desk. I was just wondering who."

"Oh! Yes...I think there was a girl, looked like a bike messanger. She had some flowers with her. *Now* I remember. Do you have a secret admirer now? Maybe some beau you haven't told us about?"

I laughed, I think just a little nervously. "Yeah...sure. Thanks, Florence."

"No problem. If you DO have a boy...bring him around the office some time, why don't you? You look so lonley sometimes."

I say something non-comital and go back to my desk. I don't know any bike couriers, at least I don't think. Of course, that doesn't mean much. It could have just been coincidence that the courier was female...but then again, how many bike couriers deliver flowers? It's going to keep bugging me all day, I just know it. I hate mysteries, that's why I became a reporter in the first place. I bundle the roses up and put them to one side of my desk so that I'll be able to get them when I go home. Then I head out for lunch.

2006-07-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

(as promised, fiction. Have a few chapters to publish here...give y'all something to read)

KATE
Chapter 1

The alarm goes off. It's 7:30am. Time to get up for work.

Slam the alarm to turn it off. Take the retainer out of my mouth, put it in the case beside the bed. Put my glasses on. Transfer into my wheelchair. At this point I'm wearing a large, blue man's shirt and a soiled disposable adult diaper. Wheel myself into the bathroom and remove my night-shirt. Remove a fresh diaper from under the sink, and untape the one I'm wearing. Transfer myself over to the toilet and clean myself up, roll up the diaper on the seat of my wheelchair while I'm at it. Insert my catheter, and while my bladder drains, go through my bowel routine. Throw the soiled diaper into the pail and transfer myself onto the bathseat. Slide the shower shut and turn it on. Clean myself up, wash my hair, and massage my legs for a bit. Turn off the shower, lay a towel on the seat of my chair, and another around myself. Dry my legs, groin, and abdomen, then slip a fresh diaper under myself and tightly tape it on. Dry the rest of me, and blow dry my hair. Wheel myself back to my room, where I pull on knee socks, then strap on my KAFOs. After that comes some denim shorts, bra, and a Rolling Stones t-shirt. Fill my pack: camera, lenses, laptop, palmtop, changing supplies. Transfer to my bed, load to pack onto the back of my chair, and slot my fore-arm crutches in beside it.

Once I'm all set, I head for the kitchen. Breakfast is granola, yogurt, orange juice. My seizure and heart meds. Throw a breakfast burrito into the microwave, throw the bowl, cup, and spoon into the dishwasher, grab my burrito, and head for the door. Take the elevator to the ground floor, and wait outside the building for the Wheel-Tran bus.

"Hey, Burt," I say as I'm helped onto the bus. Burt's the regular driver for my block. Nice guy. I've been taking his bus for five years, since I moved into town.

"Hey, Kate. How's the article coming?"

"Not too bad," I reply as I lock my chair in, "I've got a few more things to look into. Check the Post next week, it ought to be there."

"Boss still not giving on on getting you your own weekly editorial?"

"I think he's caving in. Once I get this article...I'm sure he'll see things my way. Oh hey, you manage to get tickets to the Raptors game?"

"Yeah. Me and the missus are heading over there. You?"

"Nah. Bunch've the folks from work are going out to the movies."

"Meaning you couldn't get the tickets?" he asks, pulling away from the curb.

"Yeah...yeah pretty much." I chuckle, reaching under the seat of my chair for the pouch that has my wallet and cell phone. Pulling out the phone, I check my messages. Nothing. I sigh. "No messages."

"She didn't call you back?"

I force a chuckle. "Well...hey. Not like I have the time," I sigh again and slip the phone away, and hang my head, "Y'know?"

"Hey, she probably wasn't worth it anyway. Don't worry, Kate, you'll find someone some day." Burt knows that I'm a lesbian. He's cool with that. Over the years I've gotten to know him pretty well, and we've traded stories. He says I remind him of his son, who's also gay, and taking liberal arts at Berkley out in San Fransisco.

We reach the next stop, and Burt lets Alice on. My stop is the first, then Alice, then Kyle. Alice has spastic quadrapelegic cerebral palsy. She uses a motorized wheelchair and works for an investment company. Kyle was in a car accident three years ago, which left him in a wheelchair, and does programming at a small computer games company.

"Hey, Alice," I said, looking over, "Got that package sold yet?"

Alice rolls her head towards me and gives a lopsided, toothy grin. "Oh yeah. I sol' it yesserday," she said, snorting and grinning wider, "Jus' fi'shin' thin's t'day. I got va'tion nex' week."

"Great," I said, "You going anywhere?"

"Yeah. Goin' home f'r a few weeksh." Alice is from Markham, which is a few hours north of the city. She's gone home a few times, her parents drive down to pick her up. She lives in an appartment with two other severly physically disabled adults and several nursing staff. Alice and her room-mates are afforded the most independence possible. I've been over there for dinner. Its pretty cool.

We all make small talk about Alice's work until Kyle gets on, then we start to talk about the newest video games coming out. I've used Kyle as a source several times for pop-culture stories.

"Hey, Kate," he says, fixing the locks on his chair, "You still on for that interview next wednsday?"

"Damn, I totally forgot! You know how my memory is sometimes. That's on refuting violence in video games as a major cause of violence in children?"

Kyle laughs. If I could find a girl with his personality, I think I'd be happy forever. "Yeah...yeah, major debate there. Anyway, looks like its your stop."

"Well...back to the grindstone. See you guys later," I say, as Burt helps me out of the coach. I wheel into the office. Time for another exciting day at the big city rag.

2006-07-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

Wow. Its been nearly a month since my last post.

In the end, I decided against going to pullups all day. Still diapered all night, every night (and since getting back to Attends again I haven't had to get up and change myself in the middle of the night), but I just couldn't keep doing pullups all the time.

...which turned out to be good, since I got laid off at work and got a new job where I have to wear regulation pants and the changing room doesn't lock. Thus I can't wear pullups. I'll reconsider once school starts back up, though. Being able to wet myself in class is certainly easier than having to find a bathroom beforehand.

Had a good night last night, though. Parents and siblings are out camping, so I have the house to myself. So last night I cooked a steak and got some cold pasta out of the fridge. Got out one of my two big, adult bibs that my ex-girlfriend/ex-mommy made for me a few years back (...wow, nearly 5 years back), and put a couple pillows around the dinner chair I was sitting in so that I'd be nice and snug. Cut my steak into little pieces, and ate with my hands, chewing with my mouth open. I found that after a bit I was rocking back and forth without really thinking about it, which is something I often end up doing anyway.

Needless to say, I ended up drooling on my bib, and some of the food (especially the pasta) ended up on my instead of in me. Overall it was REALLY fun, and something I haven't done in nearly a year. Gonna have to bring my bibs with me to university, as well as an absorbent pad.

Since the family is moving, though, I have to think about whether or not I REALLY want to keep my cloth diapers. My plastic pants have almost completly fallen apart, so I think I'm just gonna chuck them (they're Baby-Kins, so they're super comfy...but they're also easily 6 or 7 years old, and seldom worn anyway). I'll keep my cloth pullup, since that's just plain comfy any way you look at it. But I'll probably also ditch the blue cloth pre-fold, though, since I just wear that as a stuffer in the pullup, and even then not often.

Trying to figure on how to keep all my stuffed animals with the move, though. Can't bear to throw them out or give them away, and I've kept only the most sentimental from our LAST move. My teddy, Cid, is staying with me no matter what, as are my Summer Fun and Merry Christmas Cthulhus.

Since parents weren't around, I've been wearing my diapers upstairs when I go to shower in the morning, and today put on a clean diaper once I got OUT of the shower, then went off to do some errands. I love wearing a diaper out in public, its comfy, fun, and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it. I need to go to Toronto more often, since I LOVE being diapered when I'm just out for the day on my bike. Bring a few spare diapers in case of changes (I get a bit of a vicarious, exhibitionist thrill out of changing in stalls in public washrooms and then trying to be sneaky with disposing of the bundled up wet diaper).

That's really all I have to say for now. Good to be posting again.

2006-06-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

Between the Attends, the pullups, and my socks I can't fit anything more in the drawer I was using for clothes. Its become, quite literally, my underwear drawer.

Which is just a funny thought to me. Right now the drawer is stuffed with adult diapers, pullups, and socks.

I should take a picture. Its REALLY full. I kind of wish I still had my nightstand, the drawers in that fit an entire bag of diapers without a problem.

2006-06-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY got my Attends today. ALmost didn't get them, due to delays getting into TOronto (including the fact that the Bathurst bus was like...20 minutes late), but I bought the bag JUST as the store was closing.

Then I just hung around town and walked back to Union Station in a pullup that was slowly getting wetter. Seems they absorb a lot if you don't wet them in one sitting, which really makes sense given their design, though they do tend to bunch up a bit if you wear them for too long.

I am SO glad I managed to get the Attends, I was a bit afraid I wouldn't be able to wear a diaper to be tonight (pullups just don't cut it for nighttime use for me).

Also, it means that I no longer have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night to find that my diaper is only half on becuase the tapes slid off. Optimum's really been going downhill, and that problem should be solved now with the Attends.

Heh, I'm rambling. I'm just happy to be wearing GOOD diapers again.

2006-05-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

Hmm. I'm pretty free with what sort of pants I wear at work so long as they're pants and decently water resistant. So I normally wear jeans, which are decently heavy duty.

Back when I worked at Baskin-Robbins I'd normally wear diapers to work once every week or two, until the owner had us start wearing khakis and I didn't think I could hide then anymore.

I won't wear diapers to work. There's no proper way to hide them when I change, and they'd be too obvious.

Pullups, however, might work. I'm giving serious thought to wearing pullups all day, every day, and diapers at night (and sometimes during the day) for the rest of the summer.

This is a really appealing idea, and I think its very feasible. Might also order a swim diaper at some point. Depends how my money situation goes, and if I think there are places I could wear it where folks wouldn't know me.

Given that we're moving, I can't go out and buy crutches and just hide them in my closet...well, I might be able to. I suppose I could figure some way of hiding them...but it wouldn't really matter much. There are really too many stairs in my house anyway.

2006-05-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

Purchased "Bad Girls of Valley High" today at Blockbuster, used, for $9 CDN. Which is about the maximum that should be paid for it.

Its not a good movie, but there's a fair amount of diaper content based around Julie Benz (Darla from "Buffy/Angel"), which is mainly whats worth seeing, though there's an amusing little twist at the end that's actually very clever.

Diapers don't show up until about 40 minutes in. The girls have decided that they're going to embarass the hell out of the one girl, Katarina, who they want to get rid of, so they take some pictures of her and go online to find some porn to paste her head overtop of. They eventually find one of a dominatrix with one high-heeled foot atop the back of a rather tubby, mustachioed man who is naked except for a small cloth diaper. Danielle, Julie Benz's character, makes the comment that: "I can't wait to be there tomorrow morning when the first guy comes up to her asking for a spanking and a diaper change."

...then Danielle has to use the washroom, badly, and its noted that she's gone at least 5 times this hour. Cut to her at the store buying adult diapers, and she runs into one of her friends from school at the cashier's counter (this is basically the sort of scene that is in everyone's nightmares)...and the diapers won't scan properly. So he needs to call for a price check. ANd she really has to go pee. And he has to call for another price check.

...so she wets herself. And has this weird look of ecstasy on her face that I have only ever seen on Julie Benz when her character Darla was having sex with Angel near the end of "Angel" season 2. Then she grabs the diapers and runs for it.

Cue the bedroom scene that's rather famously on YouTube.

The next morning in class she's wearing a very long dress, and overcoat, and is crinkling like all hell.

At a later point they're crying in the stands because of all the stuff that's happening to them, and Danielle sobs "I've been wearing adult diapers for two weeks!" Even her friends are a little weirded out by THAT confession.

For the trivia point, the name of her diapers are "Relivers", and they are, apparently, pine scented.

Overall, I give the movie two stars on its general worth. Its short, but relativly succinct. Its a comedy in the same vein as "Clueless". The high diaper content, especially Julie Benz wearing a diaper in a minute or two long scene, gives it another half star. I can't make myself rate the movie any higher. Anything about 2.5 out of 4 is just criminal.

So yeah. If you can get it for under $10, it might be worth it. Definitly worth a rental, though.

2006-05-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back at home from university, and I've spent the last two weeks wearing Optimums instead of Attends. Which is really dissapointing.

Optimum diapers have gone REALLY downhill since I wore them last summer. The elastics are awful, and the tapes don't have a lot of holding power to them. The diapers ARE petty absorbent, but they're also pretty thin. They're an OK substitute, and better than Depends...but I really feel better wearing Attends.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my wheelchair-related fetish. To be honest, I'd really LIKE to get a wheelchair at some point, or at the very least a pair of forearm crutches. I don't really know why, its just something that really tickles me the right way. I spent about 15 minutes once over at my grandparents' house wheeling around in their basement in a chair I found, and that was a lot of fun (everyone else was upstairs, I was just downstairs watching TV at the time). So I kind of envy people like Ahiru and Cathy who have wheelchairs and use them regularly in public (hell, Cathy in arecent post talks about going out diapered and crippled to see X-3...that must have ROCKED).

I need to get back to writing. Haven't made an addition to my Kate story in a while. Need to rectify that situation.

2006-04-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

I gotta be honest, and I'm sorry if I'm blunt or rude, but I really hate the term "devotee" when talking about people who have a disability fetish. I can understand the alliteration, really...I'm an English major. But it just seems like such a...well it seems like such a silly word. "Pretender", for folks who like using wheelchairs and "pretending" to be disabled (its 2:30am, I really want that not to sound so weird, but I've been up for nearly 17 hours now and my vocabulary is starting to suffer), is a very descriptive term (some people classify themselves instead as "transabled", where like a transgendered person they associate their bodies more with being disabled than being able-bodied [I could be mangling the definition up, Ahiru, Cathy, please feel free to correct me]). It perfectly encapsulates what it describes. Same with "diaper-lover", "adult baby", "dominatrix", "slave", "voyeur", "exhibitionist", etc. You hear the word, you can probably piece together what it is and its context.

But "devotee" just doesn't tell you anything. It suggests, at least to me, a sort of creepy obsession. I wonder if one of the reasons that the community has been, for all intents and purposes, so badly represented and so badly recieved is, in part, because of having a name that makes us kind of sound like stalkers.

Now, I'm not really someone who will gripe about a problem unless I can suggest a solution, and I really can't think of another term for the community or the fetish (I'm not really sure it IS a fetish...well I mean by definition it is...but I dunno, yet another case of loaded words), but I think that the name is part of the problem, and it frankly gets on my nerves. It sounds so...so...creepy. It is a creepy sounding word. I've heard "admirer" bandied about a bit, and it sounds a bit less oogy.

We need a new word, simply put. Readers, please feel free to disagree. Let us begin dialouging!

2006-04-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Had a weird dream last night. Really vivid.

I was riding along a road on my bike, and noticed two women biking along in what looked like really short shorts. Not young women, I mean into their 30s or 40s, but still relativly good looking.

Anyway, I came up behind them, and realized that they were both riding their bikes wearing just helmets, shirts, and diapers (the thicker disposable adult kind). So I rode past them a bit, so as not to seem weird, then let them pass me, trying to be polite, and then rode along with them for a bit, chit-chatting. IIRC I was also wearing a diaper at the time in the dream, though I think I was wearing pants over it (I can't quite remember that part).

So then we started chatting about why they were wearing diapers, and why I was wearing one, and then my memory of the conversation kind of fizzles out.

I DO, hoewver, remember going "huh, this is a dream, I have to remember whats going on...and I have to get their phone numbers".

Apparently in dreams I have an easier time asking women out than in real life. That's kind of sad.

2006-03-02T19:58:00.000-08:00

Ok...right. The best way to wear a Tranquility IS if you're going to be sitting in one place (or with minimal movement up and down) for a prolonged period of time.

I put my last Tranquility day-time on to go to a movie a few hours ago. Its now quite soaked, but holding VERY well. What's interesting is that, as far as diapers go, its so absorbent that just the front-middle is really wet...it absorbed all the wetness before it could pass down to the back of the diaper. Which I find to be kind of nifty.

I'm really impressed that it didn't leak, so I think I may invest in a bag of them (they come in bags of 12) for when I intend to go to the movies or on an airplane. One diaper would last the entire movie/flight.

I think I'm getting my courage to wear diapers in public (as in not just to bed or when I'm in my room) back. Its fun...and means I didn't have to get up during the movie or go to the bathroom at the end of it. And jeans and my winter coat cover the diaper itself and the sound pretty well.

Going to see another movie this weekend, I think I'll wear a diaper to that as well.

Next update will include stories I wrote.

2006-02-25T18:40:00.000-08:00

Leaked a few nights ago. Not really surprising, but its something that happens to me so rarely these days that I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore. I don't leak a LOT now, not like back in the days when I was, without any real control, wetting the bed every night and waking up to wet diapers and, often, a bit of a leak. Back then I had a plastic sheet over the matress and an absorbent underpad under the top sheet. I don't use the pads much anymore at university, too embarassing to take to wash (though I suppose I could go and get some of the absorbent blue disposable pads). I'm considering going out and trying to find some doubler pads, though. I used them once when I was stying over with an ex-girlfriend for a week, which I spent most of in diapers, and the doublers worked amazingly well.

I'm diapered right now, and pleasently wet. Just...letting it flow, like I did last week. Its comfy and reassuring, I think. My bed's cluttered, though, so I had to change standing up, which is something I haven't done in a while.

I had this period where I would ALWAYS change myself while I was standing up. A lot of that stemmed from the fact that I really learned how to wear diapers from back in grade 11 when my bladder got messed up and I HAD to wear them all the time for several months. I got really good at changing myself and putting on diapers while standing up...but its something I've gotten out of practice with in the past four or five years. I so often change while lying down or sitting up that it takes a bit to get a diaper well positioned while standing. Which is a pity, because that's really the only way to change yourself on the go.

Ah well. I am sitting and diapered, wet and comfy, now.

Good night. =)

2006-02-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

Not much to say at the moment.

I've been dry the last few days, but I just bagged up the last week and a half's diapers for the garbage and realized just how many wet ones there were. More than usual. Huh.

I've been wearing Attends the last few nights. The single lone day time Tranquility is staring at me whenever I open my sock and underwear drawer to get dressed in the morning, but I really can't bring myself to wear it. Its a hassle.

I'm resolving to wear diapers tonight once I get home from the library, the store, and dining hall. Going to be in front of my computer for a long time...and the less I have to get up, the better.

2006-02-17T16:05:00.000-08:00

Wore one of the Tranquility day times last night. Eh...it fared a bit better but I still found there were problems with the tapes. Got one more left, I'm mainly just using them becuase...well...they're there.

Wore my Attends for most of last night, which was fun. I'd forgotten the simple pleasure of putting one on and then pulling my jeans up under it, watching DVDs and wetting as needed. Its been a long time since I've been able to do that, and I'd forgot how pleasent it was. It just...flows...y'know? No pushing, not even really thinking about it. You just have to go...and you go, a bit at a time.

...which is actually how an adult diaper is designed to work. It absorbs multiple smaller wettings rather than one big one. It lasts longer, feels more comfortable, and leaks less.

I WAS, however, reminded of why I don't wear Attends outside much. They're a little TOO bulky, especially since my thighs are a bit on the chubby side (not by that much, but enough to make wearing a thick diaper a bit difficult between the legs), and thus I DO tend to change how I walk just a wee bit. Enough to make me self conscious.

Ah well. Last night was very comfy. Might do the same later tonight. Comfy=good.

2006-02-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

Wore the other Tranquility nighttime last night. I definitly think it was the product sample sticker on the other one, though I encountered many of the same tape-related problems. Absorbency was still quite good, though...far beyond what my Attends will hold.

Fit is OK, but not great. The lack of elastics at the front and back was still really annoying, and it never quite felt like the diaper was tight enough on me. Sitting up it was OK, but lying down it was annoying. If I were going to be at my desk for a while or going to the movies this would be fine. I would also think that a diaper of this design and absorbency would probably also be good if you spend a lot of time in a wheelchair.

As promised, though...pictures. I'll post pictures of the day times tonight or tomorrow, as I'll be wearing one tonight (probably).

This is the two stacks of Tranquility I bought. The ones with the pink stripe down them are normal, and hold 20oz. The more normal looking ones are the night times, and hold 27.5oz. The indicators turn green

This is the nighttime unfolded. The "peach" layer down the middle is some patented absorbency thingy...whatever it is, it holds a LOT.

Closeup on the tapes. That blue part peels off with the top tape attached to it. Its supposed to be so you can open and close the diaper a few times without ripping at it, since the blue stays on and you can just restick the top tapes to it...but in practice it means that you have to get the positioning of the tapes right the first time around.

I dunno...they're probably not built with someone who changes themself in mind. Probably designed for being changed by someone else (which is sadly not the case for me).

Finally, the exterior of the diaper, flipped over. Its quite soft and smooth on the outside, rather like the older style Attends.

2006-02-15T14:25:00.000-08:00

Got some free Tanquility samples at the medical supply store yesterday when I went out to buy the Attends that I wear at night. They'd gotten a box of Tranquility samples in, bags with two diapers per pack, and I got two sample bags: nighttime and regular.

Tranquility is a brand I have a mixed history with. On one hand they ARE very absorbent. I wore one of the nighttime ones to bed last night and it absorbed an very full wetting. I mean...so much to the point that even an Attends might leak. And it held it, and still felt both comfy and like it could hold quite a bit more. The plastic was smooth, and the padding was OK.

Tranquility, however, is made along very odd specifications. Their "Slim line' diapers aren't really made for someone like me who has a 38" waist, but relativly thick thighs, so I typically have a very difficult time fitting them properly. Their lack of elastics at the front and back is also problematic. And the tapes are...eh. Not so good.

This led me to wake up about 4 hours later with a very wet, ill fitting diaper that was rapidly becoming uptaped because the tapes themselves don't hold that well. This is the first time in a long time that I've had to change my diaper in the middle of the night. It was kind of annoying, but I put an Attends on and was fine.

Tranquility is also quite expensive, I could get a bag of 22 Attends for the same price as 12 Tranquility diapers, so its really not something I turn to much. I'm hoping that the sample label on the diaper I wore was the cause of most of my discomfort, and I'll wear the unlabeled nighttime one tonight and see how it goes. I'll post pictures of the diapers themselves, folded up and then unfolded and ready for wearing later tonight.

On the upside, I went out and bought diapers about a week or so before my current stock ran out, so I've now got WAY more than the drawer will fit. I debated leaving a half empty bag of Attends in my closet, but just went and shoved the remaining diapers in with my socks and non-disposable-absorbent-comfortable underwear.

At least I'm set for diapers for the next month or so. I might even wear some in the day time, since I have so many.

2006-02-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

Yahoo just deleted my profile. Apparently for a TOS violation, since I really can't see any other reason why.

So...errr...yeah. New 360 profile is here. My new Yahoo profile is "narxnn" instead of "narxn".

I am NOT amused.

2006-02-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

Ok...setting up a first post just to get my RSS feed on my 360 profile working. Perhaps more later.